Recently I was with someone who didn’t seem happy about anything. The line was too long, this was no good and that was too much of something else, etc.
-Well the line was long – that was an observation, and that was correct.
-When I offered to stand in line or go pick the item up for her, the answer was no. That didn’t suit her either.
-When she finally got the item, she didn’t like this about it or that about it. Did she want something else or could I help her? No….
It got me thinking because in turn I started to feel exasperated with her as I started to make observations about her and the conversation, questioning if I wanted to even continue being with her at that time.
-An observation does not have to be a criticism, complaint or judgmental, but it can become so.
-A judgment doesn’t have to be a criticism or complaint, but it can become one.
-Discernment and judgment doesn’t have to be judgmental, but it can become so.
-Wisdom would be an understanding of which is which and when it is becoming something else.
I find some people deal with thoughts/feelings of guilt or fearfulness of being judgmental because they don’t understand the difference.
Observation is awareness, as is discernment. Awareness is critical to life, growth and just plain old survival. You observe the snow falling, the wind blowing or the ice on the sidewalk. That’s good. You have an awareness.
–Discernment and wisdom would be an understanding of how that affects you – a connection between that weather and you – or what you are about to do.
–Discernment is aware of the choices or decision you have regarding that weather. You will use your “judgment” to hopefully have wisdom so you can make a “WISE” or right decision. For instance, you may get a warmer jacket, put salt on the sidewalk, listen to the weather or traffic report, or maybe decide to stay put and not go anywhere.
I think weather has to be one of the most common topics of conversation and it seems everyone has opinions, observations and preferences to the weather. So where is the boundary between observation, opinions or preferences and criticism/complaining?
We have to make observations, judgments and decisions, hopefully with discernment and wisdom so we can live with quality – or live period, for that matter. Complaining seems to be when there is no answer, no decision, a certain attitude and tone with no evident expectancy of hope for anything different.
E.g.: It’s snowing and blowing outside (observation) and I don’t like the cold (fact). I think I’ll stay inside or cancel my plans untill it’s nicer out.
Or: It’s snowing and blowing outside. (observation) That’s all it ever does these days (tone changes here) and you can’t do anything or go anywhere. (Now, if the conversation continued on this level, I think it would be safe to say it was complaining. There’s no hope, no questions or decisions on what to do about it or how to handle it. No purpose).
So let’s consider an example of how this plays out in relationships – what would be healthy and what wouldn’t be.
-You start to notice a pattern of behavior or get an awareness of something specific regarding someone. This is an observation. Remember it’s critical to life to be aware and to make these observations).
-However,as a result of your observations, you are in turn becoming aware of an adverse effect either for that person, yourself or others because of that behavior or issue. This is discernment.
-As mentioned, usually I find that once you get discernment of something you are also likely to realize you have a choice to make. Deciding not to make a choice is also a choice, so no matter how you look at it, you are faced with a choice. So now it will require judgment. To make any decision requires judgment.
Example 1: If someone has been drinking all night, their judgment will be off. They think they can walk a straight line and see clearly, however, the alcohol will cloud their judgment. They no longer have discernment. To tell that person “you’ve had too much to drink (observation) and you’re not driving any car (judgment/wisdom)” is not criticism.
You may start to get awareness (discernment) if that behavior is constant (observation) and it’s starting to affect you or them (observation). Discernment will lead to you having to make choices in how you want to handle these issues or effects. It would only be complaining or criticism if you make choices where there will be no change or purpose.
Example 2: “You are always late”. “You’re so controlling”. “You’re so loud”, etc., etc. These statements are observations as are these: “You’re so kind”. “You’re so thoughtful”. “You’re so special”.
In your observations of this person’s behavior, you’ve maybe got some discernment and made some judgments. For instance if you have a tight deadline, you’d best not put the person who is always late in charge of that project. If someone is just learning to implement boundaries, they may need to create space between themselves and those without boundaries until they get stronger and can find what works for both sides’ boundaries. If you are in a place or situation requiring quiet, you may have to make a decision regarding the loud person. Someone who is loud, hyper and high-anxiety is not the person you want to be around if you are studying for an exam, feeling ill or just drained yourself.
This would be discernment with judgment to help you have wisdom in making decisions, handling people, eliminating stress or difficult situations and living life and relationships in a healthy manner. If that person you are observing is yourself or your own behavior, the process remains the same. You get discernment and hopefully make wiser choices to do or be different. Being critical, judgmental or condemning of yourself is no more effective then if it was of someone else.
Criticism, complaining and being judgmental would be when those observations are constantly being spoken, with a certain tone or attitude of no hope or expectancy for change. No discernment of the choices and change required and no action taken. When we think and live in that hopelessness, that dead-end thinking, we are in the breeding grounds for stress, hopelessness, despair, chaotic and unhealthy relationships or life itself.
Equally with the observations of “You’re so thoughtful, special and kind”, there is also discernment and judgment. If you want good relationships, that would be the people you want to spend time with, share with and grow with. That would be wise. The fruit/results would be good, beneficial and life-giving in spirit, soul and body. We must and do make judgments continually.
I think in simple terms “being judgmental” is only such if our comments are assumptions or thoughts with absolutely no evidence whatsoever to the truth of the matter. If there is no evidence, it can’t be observation. You can’t make judgements or decisions without some sense or evidence. Assumptions and opinions can be as wrong as they can be right.
So the next time you start:
– thinking/feeling guilty about an issue, person or situation
– the next time you start thinking/feeling fearful of accusations
– the next time you start to question what you instinctively sensed (maybe questioned) in your spirit
– the next time you go to put down boundaries
– the next time you need to stand up for changes/decisions you make because of discernment regarding effects in your life
get this letter out and see if you can get some clarity and truth on the matter. God’s word says where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. It also says that as we know the truth, the truth will make us free. And I add….make us free from stress, unnecessary burdens, lies, deceptions and all their effects. That’s Freedom!